NSL-15-418616 : You Surrender Your Data

After the FBI delivered a national security letter to your favorite tech company, who then surrendered your data, the FBI decided to go straight to the source: you. What follows are 9 possible outcomes of this interaction.

1

FBI #1: Hello ma'am, I'm John Kerrington, Special Agent in Charge of the FBI's San Diego division. This is my partner, Sarah Deville. We'd like to discuss your recent recent political organizing.
FBI #2: Please excuse me as I take notes.
You: please excuse me as you suck my tits
*you gesture towards your chest threateningly, profanely*
*you are arrested for assaulting a federal agent*

2

FBI #1: We are aware that you have been openly advocating resistance to mandatory military service for Operation Iraqi Freedom 2: The Apprentice™ Edition, brought to you by NBC's "Family Lives Matter" Can't-Miss-Thursday programming.
You: I have stated in this court that I am opposed to the form of our present government; that I am opposed to the social system in which we live; that I believe in the change of both but by perfectly peaceable and orderly means....
*you are charged with 10 counts of sedition and are sentenced to 10 years in federal prison*

3

FBI #1: On January 12th, 2015, did you send Hassan El-Mohtar $5 on the electronic payment service Venmo, including the message "Burritos Not Bombs", suffixed with several "emoji" detailing fireballs, eggplants, and water droplets?
You: 😅😅😅
*you are sentenced to federal prison for providing material support to terrorists*

4

FBI #1: What time did you eat breakfast this morning?
You: 8 o'clock
FBI #2: That's a.m.?
You: yes
14 months and a speedy trial later
Prosecutor: On December 21st, 2016, at what time did you eat breakfast?
You: 7 o'clock
*you are charged with lying to a federal agent and sentenced to three years in federal prison*

5

NYPD #1: On March 21st, 2015, did you Like a Facebook photo by one Damien Washington?
You: iunno maybe
NYPD #2: We have a public record of your liking Mr. Washington's photo.
You: okay sure I liked the photo probably
NYPD #1: Are you aware that Mr. Washington is currently being investigated for gang affiliation?
You: uh what
*you are jailed in Riker's Island for 19 months on conspiracy charges*

6

FBI #1: Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party of the United States?
You: i plead freedom of assembly
*you are sentenced to a year in prison for contempt of Congress*

7

FBI #1: As you may be aware, there has been a recent terrorist crisis in the United States. President Trump has thus suspended Habeas Corpus and you are being detained in order to protect the homeland from treason, espionage, and terror.
You: the real treasure was the friends we made along the way
*you and 12,000 other Americans are interned in U.S. military prisons*

8: The Right Way

FBI #1: Ma'am, we'd like to discuss your recent recent political organizing. It would be very suspicious if you did not cooperate.
You: I'd be happy to take your business card and have my lawyer contact you.
FBI #1: I strongly suggest you talk to us, ma'am.
You: I'd be happy to take your business card and have my lawyer contact you.
*you don't go to prison*

9: The Right Way

FBI #1: Ma'am, we'd like to discuss your recent recent political organizing. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.
You: Am I being detained? Am I free to go?
FBI #1: We are here to discuss-
You: Am I being detained? Am I free to go?
FBI #1: You are not being detained and are free to go at any time.
*you leave, you don't go to prison*


How lucky that you know your rights! You continue organizing for collective resistance against Operation Iraqi Freedom 2: The Apprentice™ Edition. Viewer ratings drop so low that the war is cancelled. Success!!